My daughter was fourteen the night she disappeared. She’d asked some friends to spend the night, and then they all wanted to go to the movie theater. It was late, but I agreed. I watched them all walk into the theater before driving away.
When I came back to pick them up, none of the girls were there. I searched the lobby, parking lot, and every room in the theater. They weren’t anywhere. I called and recalled my daughter and her friends, but no one answered.
With every passing minute, every square inch searched that didn’t turn up any sign of them, my heart raced faster. In a panic, I called all the friends’ parents. I called my daughter’s father. We were divorced, but he was soon by my side helping me search. My sons arrived too, and everyone scoured the dark neighborhood streets. Searching. Hoping. Worrying.
Finally, after what felt like weeks, I got a call from one of the friend’s moms. The girls were back at my apartment. Everyone was safe.
Except my daughter. She wasn’t there.
I raced back to the apartment to figure out what had happened. After talking to my daughter’s friends, I learned they’d taken a ride from some boys at the theater and gone to a big house party. My daughter had been extremely drunk and refused to leave with her friends.
I imagined my little girl intoxicated and alone in a strange house. Every possible scenario ran through my head.
After calling the police, the girls took me to the party house. When I arrived, it was empty. Discarded liquor bottles littered the floor, and the smell of weed was everywhere. Once again, I searched. Behind every bedroom and bathroom door, I feared discovering the worst.
But she wasn’t anywhere.
In the woods outside the home, my ex-husband and I found the boy who lived at the house. He was stumbling drunk. We got him inside and turned him on his side. Through thick, confused speech, he told us my daughter had left the party with another group of boys.
Through social media, we ended up contacting them and convincing them to bring her home. They dropped her off at a school parking lot, alone and drunk, at 4:00 a.m. With a mixture of immense relief, gratitude, and frustration, her dad and brothers picked her up and brought her home.
When she walked in the door, all I could do was hug her. I was so grateful she was safe. And alive. I sent her to bed, saying we’d talk more in the morning.
When she woke, the regret, embarrassment, and shame set in. Thinking she’d disappointed everyone and having already struggled with depression for a couple of years, she found some anti-anxiety medication in the house—and took the entire bottle.
It took time, but eventually she told me what she’d done. After calling poison control, an ambulance rushed her to the ER. There was a flurry of activity at the hospital before it was clear she was going to live.
In the ensuing quiet, I looked at my daughter lying in her hospital bed. She seemed impossibly young and small. I knew that must have been how I’d looked to my mother all those years ago when I was lying in my own hospital bed after an intentional overdose.
My Depression Journey
I was raised by a mother with Bipolar who struggled intensely with mania and depression. Perhaps because of that, I was always drawn to psychology. By ten, I was reading dense clinical psychology textbooks.
My own depression began around twelve, manifesting as intense, persistent fatigue. I couldn’t get up and go to school, which meant I missed a lot of class time. While other kids played hooky and hung out at the mall, I was in bed. Incapable of getting up. Sleeping all day.
With no support from the school system, I ended up dropping out. My parents also got divorced when I was fourteen, making it a particularly difficult time.
I ended up moving out on my own at fourteen, living with some friends’ families before eventually getting an apartment with a roommate. Then the depression became so bad that I couldn’t work to support myself. I moved back in with my mom, but everything continued to feel dark and heavy. I couldn’t function. Life felt unbearable.
After trying different psychiatrists and every medication imaginable, still nothing worked. With every attempted and failed prescription, I felt more hopeless. I was certain nothing was ever going to get better. Eventually, I closed my door, lined up my medication bottles, and emptied each one.
My mom found me unconscious in the morning and rushed me to the hospital. Somehow, I lived. I was in the hospital for a week, trying impossibly to explain that I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to end.
And then, shortly after being released, I discovered I was pregnant. Becoming a mom at seventeen was difficult, but it gave me a purpose and a reason to live.
I continued to struggle through my twenties, but the depression was more manageable. I tried going to college, but anxiety and panic attacks made that impossible. At every turn, I literally felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
After a lifetime of attempted medications, I was prescribed another option. And, like a miracle, it worked. I knew I had been depressed, but on this medication, I finally felt the stark, wonderful contrast of happiness.
Medication isn’t the answer for everyone, but for me, it gave me my life back.
My Daughter’s Depression Journey
Knowing my mother has bipolar and knowing there’s a genetic component, I understood there was a good chance at least one of my four biological children would go through this journey as well.
My daughter is my third child, and she began struggling at about the same age as I did.
She had been a national gymnast for ten years, but by her early teens, she was starting to feel burned out and wanted to walk away. When she was fourteen, she quit.
It was an incredibly hard decision for her to make, and in many ways, she lost her identity in that choice. Gymnastics had been her whole world. She didn’t have a social life beyond it, and she struggled to know who or what she was outside of it.
By sixteen, she was really struggling. She couldn’t function. Her suicidal ideations were mounting. Whenever she attempted to go to school, she ended up calling and begging me to pick her up.
With my training as a behavior specialist and a parent coach, I had skills to help and support her. We also had a very close relationship, which meant she could be open about what she was feeling and thinking. And even with all those resources, I was terrified. Uncertain. Afraid to leave her alone for even one minute.
We tried counseling and different medications. We tried alternative schooling options. Nothing worked. Her risky behavior escalated, culminating in that night of her disappearance. I knew she was drinking. I knew she was getting high and driving. I knew there were nights she didn’t come home. This strained our relationship, and I lived in a constant state of fear and worry.
After a lot of intensive counseling and therapy and me using every skill I had ever learned in my professional training, my daughter started to improve. She earned her GED and eventually went on to college. Today, she’s doing amazing.
Everyone’s depression journey is different. Your teen’s progress might not look like you expect, but with unwavering support and love, they can find their way back.
Finding Light in the Darkness of Depression
When I look at my daughter today and how well she’s doing, I feel overwhelming pride. Not only did she find her way through, but she’s committed to sharing her story in the hopes it helps provide guidance, insight, and hope to others who are struggling.
As her mother and a fellow survivor of depression, I see my daughter as an inspiring pillar of strength.
If you’re the parent of a struggling teen, here are just some of the strategies that carried us through.
· Use a multiprong approach.
Getting better doesn’t often happen after one strategy. It takes everything working together. Getting my daughter well required an entire team and support network.
When your teen is struggling, it means finding a good therapist, exploring different counseling options, figuring out educational alternatives, trying different medications, and teaching your teen healthy coping strategies.
Many teens in this position turn to unproductive coping mechanisms. Screen addiction. Alcohol. Drugs. Unsafe sexuality. Self-harm. These are all forms of coping. The job of the support network is replacing those unhealthy, unhelpful coping strategies with positive, productive ones.
Depression is a difficult, scary, stressful situation. As a parent, it’s not on you alone to fix it. It takes a network of qualified help. You’re there as the foundation of unconditional love and support.
· Notice risky behaviors.
If you suspect your teen is depressed, pay attention to those risky behaviors. Look for sudden alcohol or drug use, vaping, unhealthy sexual practices, increased screen addiction, or self-harm.
Even something like a sudden disinterest in or refusal to attend school can be a major indicator of depression or anxiety.
Be aware of these behaviors, and open the dialogue as soon as you notice them.
· Start with a powerful connection.
Your relationship with your teen is at the core of recovery.
When teens struggle with depression, it’s not uncommon for them to self-isolate, push away, get irritable, and engage in extremely dangerous behaviors. This obviously makes having a healthy relationship with them difficult and puts a strain on that bond. But nurturing your relationship, especially through this difficult time, is critical.
When the relationship is sound and present, your teen knows they can communicate with you and open up. They’re more receptive to your suggestions of help and support. At my request, my daughter tried a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) group. After a few sessions, she knew it wasn’t for her, but she was willing to try. She acknowledged recovery was a process, and she was open to being an active participant in it.
Even with the extra support of therapists, school counselors, and doctors, your role as a supportive parent is pivotal. Through problem-solving skills, collaboration, open communication, and family meetings, you and your family can navigate a way through this dark period.
I understand firsthand how challenging it is to battle depression. When your teen is struggling, I also know how terrifying it is and how ill equipped you can feel to handle the magnitude of that challenge. When your teen is telling you they want to take their life, you’re worried to death for them. But in that moment, know that they feel safe enough to talk to you about those feelings. Celebrate being there to support them, love them, and get them the necessary help.
Navigating your teen’s depression is scary, but having a teen go through it silently and without your knowledge is even scarier.
· Get specialized help.
I was trained as a positive discipline educator. I taught others how to be simultaneously kind and firm. I had all the tools, training, and credentials at my disposal, and I still felt helpless and lost trying to support my daughter.
Therapy is undoubtedly helpful, but many family therapists aren’t equipped with the specific skills to help parents navigate this situation.
Even though I was a parent coach myself, I enlisted the help of another parent coach to help me work through this situation. This specialized help gave me additional insight and tools to foster, nurture, and grow that strong connection with my daughter.
In life’s most challenging situations, never be afraid to ask for or to receive the specific, trained, specialized help you need.
· Self-regulate emotions.
When a teen struggles deeply with depression, it leads to many intense, high-emotional situations. Begin your work with yourself. Learn to self-regulate your own emotions in those times of extreme distress.
Once you’ve learned those skills, you’re better equipped to teach your teen how to self-regulate and deescalate those stressful, tense, heated moments.
· Advocate for your teen’s safety.
If your teen’s a danger to themselves, become an advocate for their safety. You don’t have to do it alone and the onus of getting them better isn’t on you, but be a part of putting together an appropriate safety plan.
This could include finding the right therapist, considering medication, considering medication alternatives, putting a 504 plan or IEP in place for school, and removing medications or dangerous objects from the house.
No two people’s depression journeys are the same, but ensure there’s a support network wherever the teen is spending time.
· It can get better.
Depression is a lifelong journey. You’re never 100 percent cured, but it can become manageable. You can learn the tools and implement the strategies to live a successful, rewarding, happy life.
In the middle of depression, it feels impossible to see a way out, but that’s a temporary space. With support and work, there is light on the other side.
· You (and your teen) aren’t alone.
My daughter and I are so passionate about telling our stories because we want people to know they’re never alone. There is support. There are options. There’s always hope.
Even when it feels like it’s never going to get better, it can. My mom got better. I got better. My daughter got better. We’re living happy, amazing, fulfilling lives because we had support.
Yes, it was dark, but even though we couldn’t see in that moment, we could feel the hands holding ours and guiding us toward light.
After the Darkness
I’ve been a parent coach for about ten years, and now I specialize in helping parents of teens struggling with depression.
When my daughter began struggling, I was already certified in positive discipline. I had all the tools. I ran parenting workshops, but I realized none of those books, workshops, or trainings prepared me for the reality of raising a teen with depression.
So, I set out to create a program that addressed that need.
No words can describe the worry you feel as a parent when your teen is struggling. When you’re unsure what they’re capable of. When you’re searching the dark streets at night for them or don’t know what you’ll find behind that next bedroom door.
Helping my daughter through her depression was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’m so proud to be using those hard-earned lessons to help others learn to connect with, support, and advocate for their teens struggling with depression. To be in the business of teaching others the lifesaving skills of practicing resiliency, overcoming challenges, and never letting go of hope.
Comentários